Love Me or Kill Me Page 13
“Ah, yeah, it’s that vibration you were talking about. You exude the inaccessible goddess, the kind of woman a man dreams about but wouldn’t know what to do with if he had her standing naked right next to him. It’s the formed ideal in the sexual head of man—and although his natural commandment is to breed with every woman who will spread her legs for him—he’s suddenly thrown onto the altar of helplessness and sacrifice when the goddess enters the scene. You see, she isn’t supposed to be just screwed and left—no, she’s designed to represent the unattainable, the ideal to which men would aspire to find spiritual oneness, mating, bonding, happiness in the heavens of bliss beyond the mere he and she world—that place where lovers go when two are not only as one, but equal…where the divine feminine is counter-balanced with the power of the positive masculine. Both need each other, but must not fall helplessly into the pit of delusion that someone else is needed to make you complete or bring you to Nirvana when the role is called up Yonder. Intimacy is a boundless sharing, a kind of ‘let’s do this thing together and neither of us rule over the other, but couch ourselves in the nest of the perfect moment, where bliss and sensation explode into a new fireworks neither have ever experienced before.’ ”
A new look came over the face of Sarah Mapleton. She licked her moist lips and I could tell she had been moved by my rant. “Would you know what to do if a goddess stood before you?” she purred in a very warm, sexy voice. “As I said earlier, you have a way with your voice, Mr. Denning, that makes a girl, uh…feel things…”
“I don’t know. I’m not a prophet. I’m just a guy with a big mouth and maybe sometimes a lot to say. You be the judge of that. But I can see where this is going, Sarah, and I can tell you right now, it ain’t professional, nor is it the way I prefer to carry on with a beautiful potential client who happens to enjoy my speech patterns.”
“Where is it going, in your opinion,” she said, again her voice slow and low.
“Right into my bedroom if we keep this up.”
“Is that so bad? And, oh, by the way…I’ve got lots of money…we print your United States money in a special underground depot in another state. So, I always have lots of one hundred dollar bills.”
“I think we need to call it a day, Sarah. After all, I am human and there’s another thing I need you to know. There’s a cottage a few blocks over…in that cottage is a beautiful Latina woman whom I happen to adore. I don’t want to trade her off, if you know what I mean.”
“I think that’s admirable, Mr. Denning. Loyalty or fidelity of that nature is rather rare, I would imagine. Especially if you love her, as it sounds you do. So, even if I were interested, I guess I came too late. I would dearly love to find someone like you one day. ” She smiled and looked out of the window. “ To be initiated into physical, emotional, sexual love by someone like you…yes, that would be like sunlight…pouring into your heart and body at the same time, wouldn’t it?”
“Yeah, that’s kinda how it feels, Sarah. I wish for you to find someone like that, too. This time we’ve had together today has been—well, it’s been rewarding…and educational.”
“Educational? You mean I didn’t attract you beyond educational?”
“Well, I didn’t mean it like that. Of course you did. I told you earlier, if things were different, I’d be crawling up between your legs and licking every square inch of you on the way up—hell, you’re a rare babe—and they don’t come along every day, you know. Sometimes I—”
She was breathing hard and holding her chest. “—please don’t speak like that! It—it makes it worse for the person at the other end, the one who doesn’t have someone to go home to. Do you know what that’s like? Day in and day out watching your young years dissipate behind a test tube or microscope?”
“Yeah, I think I know what it’s like to be lonely, unfulfilled. You know what I did for years?”
“What?”
I closed my eyes so I could paint a picture for this lovely young thing sitting opposite me. “I walk the streets late at night until my body can feel the effects of the day wear off, and the cool air of the sea reaches enough inland that I can feel it on my face. Then I walk down into a noisy, half-lit dive where happy people are drinking, smoking, talking at each other there, standing in the sawdust…and the smells fill your nostrils. But then…then the real thing you came for opens up like a flower taking you away to a different dimension—the music comes pouring into you like refreshing drops of fresh rain and grabs you by the heart and tears you apart until your tears turn to joy and laughter and the hot whiskeys have made your head spin as you look up at some cute dish singing her little heart out up there on the stage in the dirty spotlight with a fine band behind her. That’s when I go away, Sarah, that’s when I fill myself up, stretch my arms to a new place I’ve never gone before as people hold each other dancing and applause fills the room when the babe in the red sequin dress has finished her best song for the night.”
Sarah Mapleton was crying, real tears ran down her face as I handed her a tissue. “Will—will you take me…some night when you go, Cable—uh…I mean Mr. Denning?”
“Cable’s okay now, lady.” I chuckled, “I think Wednesday’s about half over anyway.”
Her voice was soft as she wiped her tears. “Okay, Cable. You know, it’s so strange, but I was thinking as you were speaking that I didn’t come here today just to hire a private detective. I came here to get discovered by someone. You…you…discovered me today, Cable Denning. So…will you take me one night to your favorite cabaret?”
“Yeah, Sarah Mapleton, I will. You know why?”
“Why?”
“Because you’ll appreciate it, you will be discovered—but you got it wrong—not by me, but by you. Music is a magical road to self-discovery. When you let it take you over, it guides you to those special places you haven’t triggered inside yourself yet. And when it happens—bingo! you’re a new you! Trust me on this one, my little alien friend.”
She seemed pleased. “Oh, am I your friend, Cable? Doesn’t it usually take a lot longer for friendship?”
“Maybe not always, Sarah. Sometimes, it seems like there are people just born knowing each other. You seemed strange when you came in this afternoon. But that was because I sensed you weren’t like me, you were a different being trapped in a body that looks like my kind. But like you said, down deep we all share the same basic things in the universe—smiles, talk, beauty, art, music—love…”
“Can you love me, Cable?” she asked and almost bowled me over.
“Can you love me?” I said, reversing the equation.
“I already do. Love is something new to me. I mean, yes, I love my mother and father, some relatives, some associates and Rebecca, my dearest loving sister. But if you’re a woman and suddenly you love a man, it’s really, really different.”
“Thanks for that, lady.” I glanced at her. I could see a beautiful young girl in the beginning bloom of her womanhood. I could also tell she was falling in love. I pitied her for that, for I knew with a guy like me, at best it’d be a day at the carnival, lots of excitement with laughter and cotton candy at the beach—and at night when the Ferris wheel spun us high above the lights of the crowded midway, and she would bring her lips to mine and we would kiss in the dark—her whole world would come alive for a moment or two. Then it would all go away, and in the morning when I watched her put her clothes back on, I would know the rest of the story…and things would end, not as they began, but as a sad whimper of love’s agony, like the song of that lonely sax that kept drifting through my head, a haunting refrain, a naked melody hung on beauty and hope. But that was the way of love between man and woman, a short love song sung at last in the recesses of a broken heart. And maybe someday when the healing was complete, love would knock again at her door, and this time she’d know…
“So…shall you take my case, Cable?” she said, bringing me back to the moment. “I can’t imagine trusting anyone else to find Rebecca and bring her ba
ck to us.”
“I’ll have to know a lot more, kid. But for now, let’s say we’ve got a deal—when can we meet again?”
“How about tomorrow? I’ve got a few days off. How about noon?”
“Yeah, sure. Then we’ve got to roll up our sleeves and catch the devil in his lair, okay?”
She smiled as she stood up. I walked her to the door and opened it for her. She reached into her purse and took out five crisp one hundred dollar bills. “Yes…I’d like that…will this do to start the wheels turning?”
I looked at the dough as she handed it to me. “Oh, yeah, and then some, young lady. By the way, how old are you?”
“Your years or mine?”
“Take your pick.”
“It sounds better in your years. I’ll be twenty-three earth years next July.” Then she glanced at the money in my hand. “Perhaps you can spend some of that illegal tender taking me out to show me one of those magic nights you were talking about—the one with all the music and atmosphere? Would you dance with me? I’ve never danced…I’ve watched others…but I think I would like it very much. I’m sorry, I’ve lived such a limited life compared to you, it seems—”
“—forget it, Sarah. Just live today. We’ll let tomorrow take care of itself, okay?”
Surprising me, she tiptoed up and kissed me gently on the lips. It felt cool but sincere. “Thank you, Cable Denning. I’m very happy…to have met you. Tomorrow, then?” With that she left and I turned around and went to my desk. I got out that bottle of gin, poured myself another tall one, lit up a cigarette and sat back, marveling at how quick life changes, like a kaleidoscope of colors, filtering through my life. I took a big breath, looked at my watch and realized in just half an hour a highly energetic Zelda would be popping through my office door.
Sure enough, at 3:12 p.m. Zelda Blodgett walked in. But I hardly recognized her. She had lost at least fifteen pounds, no longer wore glasses and walked with a poise I did not recall! “Cable! It’s so good to see you!” She ran to me and we embraced.
“Damn, kid, you look great! Maybe it’s my imagination, but do you look younger than the last time I saw you?”
“It’s been at least a year or so, Cable. When I decided to get involved with Clark, I thought I’d have to compete with the other girls in the office—and I won him—even if he did turn out to be queer!”
I laughed. “Well, good things sometimes come in surprise packages and his presence in your life made you improve yourself. Now, you’re loaded for bear and ready for the next young bloke to walk in the door and romance you.”
She let go of my arm and walked away. “I wish it were you doing the romancing. You’re the only man I feel good with, I mean, who I know is a real man and likes girls the way guys are supposed to like girls.”
“That’s the luck of the chips, I guess, Zelda. But damn, I sure don’t want to lose you as a friend. After all, we go back a ways now.”
She examined the room. “You live here, don’t you?”
“Yeah, sometimes. But Adora and I have a cute little cottage a few blocks away. I’m there more than here these days.”
“Oh,” she said, her voice a little preoccupied. “So…where do you want the plants?”
“Crap, Zelda, I don’t know a lily from lavender—why don’t you pick three or four places in the office here and put whatever you want wherever you want.”
She glanced in the bedroom. “How about a floor plant over by the window in your bedroom. I think it’d jolly it up a bit.”
“Sure, why not? Do you still plan on watering them? I probably can get to it once a week if I’m here, but sometimes when I’m on a case, I’m gone for days at a time—can’t guarantee your lovelies will be taken care of.”
“How do I get in?”
“When I’m not going to be around for a while, I’ll leave a key under the rubber mat out in the hall.”
“Aren’t you afraid someone might take it, break in and steal your valuables?”
I snickered. “Look around, Zelda. Do you see anything worth stealing? Almost everything in here I got from junk stores in the first place. Except my box radio.”
She came over to me and smiled into my eyes. “You know, Cable, I think I’ve always loved you for one main reason. And it wasn’t the reason Honey loved you for, I’m sure. I fell for you because the little boy in you is so cute and honest. You’re not afraid to show the world you’re not rich with money, but rich in character and spirit. No matter who we are or what we become together, that’s what I’ll always like about you.”
I was humbled by this zesty little lady. She told it like it was from the hip, from that place in her own honesty, the one that tells you life isn’t fair, but sometimes we’re lucky to meet someone along the way who’s essentially good and fun to be with. “Well, thanks for that, Zelda. I’m truly touched. I’m also sure you can recognize that in me because you’re kind of in the same boat.”
“Not really…my family is pretty well to do. I live simply, that’s all. I don’t have a lot of needs. The only thing I really think about beside my job at the lab, is that I don’t want to be lonely anymore. I don’t want to wake up in an empty bed in the morning and pretend to reach for someone who’s not there.” She raised her voice and walked closer to me. “I want to live out a full life, Cable, have a baby or two and take walks with my husband on the beach on Saturday mornings.”
“Don’t look at me like that, Zelda,” I kidded her. “I’ve seen that look on your face before. You’re still wondering if Cable Denning is healed up enough after a year or so—and just because he’s got a dame in his life he happens to be in love with—is there room for me in there somewhere, by virtue of some miracle?”
She looked down at the floor, scuttling her shoes. “Yeah, something like that, I guess… So help me with the plants, Mister Detective, will you?”
We went down to her nice new “Woody” Model A Ford wagon and hauled up the green things my little friend wanted to aerate my office with. When we were finished, I offered to buy her a coke somewhere at a soda fountain, but she declined. “Well, how about a rain check, then?”
“You see…my trouble is, Cable, I fantasize too much. I build things up in my imagination, hoping against hope that by wishing, at least part of them will come true. But they never do. Do you know what it’s like to come home after work, sit and have a drink alone while you’re listening to the radio about someone else’s love affair? I’m twenty-four now and they say a woman is old at thirty these days. I have an aunt who’s a schoolteacher spinster. I know she’s shoved all her happiness down deep inside her because Mr. Right never came by. And right now, I’m following in her footsteps. Sure, I’m more attractive than before and I’ve worked hard to keep myself looking good and in shape. But what good does it do when nobody notices? I’m okay looking, but there are so many other young women who are—are beautiful compared to Plain Jane me.”
I listened intently to Zelda’s plight. I was sure thousands of young gals felt the same, sandwiched in between that twilight zone of almost a contender, but not quite. If men looked for integrity, intelligence, education and basic goodness, Zelda would win hands down. But they don’t. Instead, most guys check out looks, tits and pussy first and last. “I don’t know the answer to that, Zelda,” I said. “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Some young guy is bound to see you…I mean, really see you sooner or later, kid. Don’t give up.”
“Why can’t it be you, Cable?”
“Even if we dared to go in that direction, Zelda, at best it’d be a passionate love affair—the kind you hear in the radio heart-throb songs—and when it was over, you’d have none of the things you just mentioned you longed for. Stay my friend, believe me, you’re a lot safer—and happier in the long run. You can’t risk losing yourself to some guy who drinks too much, smokes excessively, still chases skirts in his head—and happens to be with a knockout babe who he goes home to at night. They aren’t your kind of odds, Zelda.”
We hugged good-bye and I thanked her for the plants. I closed the door behind me and took a big breath. This had been a weird day, any way you sliced it! Maybe tomorrow would be a little less hectic. But I doubted it. With Sarah Mapleton, her missing sister “Goldilocks,” better known as Rebecca Mapleton, and some vague but looming characters called The Three Bears, obviously bent on a voracious evil thing called a ‘picnic,’ I had this nervous feeling tomorrow promised to be a corker!
Saturnalia and the Purple Mists
That night I decided to be with Adora. Even though she’d told me she had been feeling bad, I chose to be at her side and to comfort her. When I got into bed with her that night, her beautiful but now pale face greeted me with incredible love. I held her without a word through the night. The next morning I asked her to dress because I was going to take her to a doctor’s office. An ex-client’s father was the son of a man who once said if I ever needed a specialist, I should call on him. I had no clue as to what he was a specialist of, but I called ahead and got Adora in early that morning. She had cramped a good portion of the night and told me she was still bleeding profusely.
“Mi amor, muchas gracias for being with me last night. I know I am no fun for you este momento—but I get well soon. Promesa!”
As I smoked out in the hall outside the doctor’s office, I thought all kinds of things, not the least of which was my lover’s health and wellbeing. What an irony! Here we were, the two happiest people I knew for the past year—and now this strange malady that seemed to be increasing in intensity. When the doc came out after giving Adora a series of in-office tests, he looked grave and took me aside as my Latin beauty dressed. “Your wife is quite ill, Mr. Denning. It appears her loss of blood is symptomatic of some deeper disease. Unfortunately, I must submit the blood samples I’ve taken to a laboratory and it will be a few days before we know what’s what. But I’ve given her an iron tonic to build her blood back up a bit. Give her as much lean meat as she can handle. Also, she must rest and have no stress. Be with her as much as you are able, but of course she will not be able to participate in any marital intimacies at this time. Be patient. I will call you. Do you have an office number I can reach you at so we may speak confidentially?”